Billy Curtin

Writer: Maeve McPhail

 

Dear Maeve,

I found your rough draft essay to be very informative. It was concise and to the point and the various evidence forms you used support the claim you made. Your anecdote added a personal effect that blends personal instances with true logical statements. In terms of critique for your essay, I would recommend the revision of your thesis. You provided your belief on the combination of the arts and sciences, however, it was not that clear and concise. My recommendation to make it clear and concise is to add a sentence to the bottom of your intro clearly stating your belief on art being apart of the education and in a few short general words, why. Other than that, the use of more quotes or paraphrases to include the authors more frequently and validate your belief more.

 

Writer: Jennifer Gore

 

Dear Jennifer,

 

I found your essay to be very informative as well as simplistic enough to allow it to be easily understood and allow logic to be used. You properly integrated quotes, used quotes to explain reason and solidify your claims, and validate it further. I thought your use of a block quote was very well, it was a longer quote and by not using the block quote it would have certainly been too lengthy. I do not have any other criticisms for your essay other than using some stronger vocabulary in place of other words, but that is very minimal where I saw this.